My Mom and Me

Reader Question:

MY MOTHER AND I HAVE A VERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.I KNOW HER MOTHER WASN'T THE KINDEST TO HER, SO IT FEELS LIKE SHE'S PROJECTING ON TO ME HALF THE TIME. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BRING IT UP. I DON'T EXPECT HER TO CHANGE, BUT I WOULD LIKE HER TO BE MORE MINDFUL. 

I joke sometimes that our parents know how to push our buttons because they installed them! Fundamentally you understand that you mother might not be capable of change, so you tell yourself that you don’t expect it. However with parents, its nearly impossible to not want them to change. 

Navigating parental relationships as an adult is so difficult,  and setting boundaries with our parents can feel like an impossible task. Your mother is enacting her trauma on you by projecting it and she is making her own pain, fears, anger, loss, about you.

Without knowing the specifics of your relationship and based on what you wrote, I wonder if you have looked at the boundaries you have set with your mom, and if they are sufficient. Many times we are playing out unhealthy dynamics, your mother the key and you the lock. The work that needs to be done is you unpacking why your relationship is so unhealthy for you. You are right in not expecting your mother to change, the only person that has control as to whether to not let her trauma be projected onto you is you.

I suggest that you stop going to the hardware store for milk and do the deep work that will help you break free from the generational trauma. Taking emotional time and space from the relationship can be a great first step. If there is a generational addiction in the family direct or indirectly, there are various (free) support groups accessible in person, over the phone, and online. If you have access to therapy I recommend seeing a qualified professional who understands family systems theory. Like I said your mom installed some of those buttons, changing the dynamic can require some internal rewiring.